COUDRELAFOUDRE

Denoument

2011-05-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

how do I conceive this emotion

a foreign invader abrading my cortex

change was always a little too penetrating

Levity

2011-04-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

Stillness of unabridged thought
Real gratitude emanates from the abandon

Youth closes
Ailments echo from sedulous distraction.

It was always there
The only continuity in chaos

Waiting.

Touch Down

2010-10-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

My own worst enemy.
Instincts dormant.
Caught in a dream fabricated of shoulds.

Irony of Life
Resolution amalgamates,
Ideals fade.

The Longest Line

2010-09-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

Searching in the noise, the movement, the colour.

It's always been in the silence.

Days of nothing.
Moments of incandescence.

Is the blossom only ever in the bloom?

Frantic little things.

2009-05-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

Douce, small, quiet little thing

She became Bella

Insatiable, wild, maniacle little thing.

The little games

2009-01-30T20:14:00.000-08:00

So long i don't even remember how to use the language

Sativa is shaved... she looks silly... like a lion who got half way through a bad buzz cut before she ate the groomer

So once again i am "learning". I think i finally started to recognize that my style of learning is somewhere along the lines of holding this new blanket of information at arms length, a cringe on my face, waiting on the slow track as it seeps into my pores. Never been comfortable diving with my eyes open.

Back to basics. Same mistakes, new players.

I know you're there and only to spite my own face do i bluntly ignore you.

At peace with this silence.... well, silence filled with inanimate comfort and noice; but at least im not scared of the front door anymore.

"Inside" appears to be working out. Outside, on the other hand, is still a shift in gears to high alert status. Eyes wide open, senses maxed; very tiring.

I never liked keeping things constantly clean because i always took pleasure in the contrast; joy from the act of cleaning something and seeing the change of what it was to what it became.

The other day, in a room full of 15 people, i sat among them and, as if it were any normal-day activity, we proceeded to spit into test tubes until they were about 2 finger widths full. We then spun down our spit, boiled it, and prepared it to be frozen.

I know i am on the right career path when i find this act hilarious, and (totally unrelated) the thought of chasing a locker thief down the hall with a culture of Shigella makes me want to roll around on the floor laughing....

.... just saying :D

Ineffable Soldier

2008-03-02T17:25:00.001-08:00

And then goodbye

Brave man
boy inside the eyes
cherished glimpse of soul

Awkward, desperate, hungry
Comfort-care, bodies mold together
Too foreign still to interpret

And then alone

Fate to term
Termed to fate

Undone By My Tongue

2008-02-02T13:03:00.001-08:00

You know you need to get a life when 4/7 nights a week you have a dream about the people in one of the blogs you haunt and feel more alive by somehow being part of their world.

Three days left in this city.
This was the greatest adventure that I have had in 8 years, and it kicked my ass.
I am getting old, and by that; less adaptable to the chaos without an island of foundation to cling to.

I could go outside.. but it is cold, and my bus pass expired, and there is beer here;
I have decided to become a ragging alcoholic for the next 3 days, so I can avoid all higher levels of thought.

I am drinking a beer called Taiga.

It is from a little town in Quebec called Amos, which is supposed to have the best tasting water in north america.. maybe even the world...who knows; something to do with sand.

Anyways, the story behind the beer is fun.
Apparently a Belgium brewer moved to Quebec and set up shop in this town with amazing water to make the perfect mariage of beer creation- the end.

It is very decent.

Now this is the stuff that knocked my socks off

But I am very partial to fruit beers.
This stuff could make my cocktail-drinking girlfriends start to like beer.
Thankfully, this site:

www.alberta-liquor-guide.com

told me that i can actually find it in 4 locations in Edmonton.
Hello new favorite beer.

I also recently tried this:

It is good.... too good.
But seriously, who wants to pay $12 for one beer...
Ok, I would do it again.

I guess one of the few things, on the very short list of things, that is not terrible about leaving, is that the province I happened to have been born in, and that i now have to go back to with my tail between my legs, has a private alcohol market and a large variety of alcohols available.

In other ground breaking news:

My tongue has been annoyingly apparent for about a month.
After the preliminary panic of emminant death, disease, and a fear of the general crisis of rotting, and, when my body didnt naturally make it go away like it would eventually kick to the curb any type of weird cold virus, I did some internet reading.

This is NEVER usually a good idea for a normal person let a lone a slight-hypochondriac, but i stumbled upon some literature about tongues and a lack of vitamin B12 and iron.
Being that I have been an extra bright shade of white lately (so pointed out my roommate-x-lover) and that I havent eaten dead cow for about 10 years, I was able to put 2 and 2 together, oh so sherlock holmes-style.

I guess clams are somehow high in iron, and my roommate had a stash of CHINEESE canned baby clams sitting in his pantry.
Please agree with me that it seems somehow OH SO WRONG for these clams to be from China, and i felt dirty as I devoured them.
But, my tounge stopped bugging the next morning- and so there it was.

So, as I for no strongly adamant reason discontinued eating dead cow, i now, for a superbly adamant reason, could not get the idea of this pink flesh out of my head.
I set out to the grocery store to search out a peice of organic dead cow's flesh.
I figured at least this way i could have the merey little picture of happy cows dancing in my head and I ate them.
I settled for an organic meat lazagna.
I ate it: and I felt satisified, and horrified, and warm, and heavy.

Another sad semi-vegitarian is corrupted and undone by her tounge.

Sweeney Todd

2008-01-25T09:50:00.001-08:00

How could there ever before be a musical-slasher before this combination? My mind is still reeling! I'm just glad they kept the original singing in the french version we saw.

Fuck You

2008-01-25T08:37:00.000-08:00

Fuck You Impulse disguised as Instinct
Fuck You The Shallow Penis
Fuck You Failed Love
Fuck You Failed Experience

Fuck You Something Is Learned
Fuck You The Sad Departure
Fuck You The New Beginning

Fuck You The Committee of Self-Censorship
Fuck You Anxiety
Fuck You Fear
Fuck You Submission

Fuck You Naivety
Fuck You Uncertainty
Fuck You Reality
Fuck You Debt

Fuck You Cruel, Seductive Hope

Persepolis Trailer (HD)

2008-01-20T13:53:00.001-08:00

Just saw this at Le Clap. Really touching story; simple but beautiful graphics... informative and moving. Me liked!

Hate that is an Act in a Life of Satire and Hilarity

2008-01-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

Sensitive elation to the disruption I cause you
My candor is grand

Symphonic typhoon
Your body shakes with its furry
Detached fascination.

The always-conclusion:
Convalescent Rejoinder
Convulsed Truth

Snail without its shell:
Focused-burden of shelter
Course nexus of flesh:
Lost in the obsession of composure

Still observed
Essence Reflected
Distorted comprehension
Percipience-Still

Motherfuckin Mini-Paris of America: At Least It's Not Outright Contempt

2008-01-11T19:08:00.000-08:00

Hey!

Yeah, you.

So I've taken on the real-life-social-experimental-adventure of moving to a city where I've gotten the chance to start at "Go" with some odds already stacked up against me.

First off, lets define a recent addition to our repertory of language.

That word would be: Xenophobic

That definition: an unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners or strangers or of that which is foreign or strange.

OK, so I know that this sort of outlook did/does/shall exist, but never did I imagine that on any given day, there would be a 3/4 chance of observing this phenomenon up close and personal;
oh no, not to me, not in this town.

No longer would I take for granted that the arduous attempt of conjuring up a second language would elicit curiosity, warmth, engagement;
oh no, not to me, not in this town...not in this country...not in this language.

And so, without presupposition,
I feel no longer like voyageur;
no longer like wanderer;
I feel now, in fact, that which can be defined only as, with all resounding stereotype, that word which is:

immigrant

1. A person who leaves one country to settle permanently in another.
2. A plant or animal that establishes itself in an area where it previously did not exist.

Native Country,
Oxymoronic Province,
Motherfuckin Mini-Paris of America

I love it.

Bigger than Myself is Somtimes Hard to Bring into Focus

2008-01-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

I wanna, kinda, sorta just.... flow
Through every pore, eyesballs, fingertips, the breath that leaves my lips;
let it spread out from the core and touch everything

Eyes meet and i wont look away.
I will look into you and see you; nothing will be hidden.
Then you will talk; clarity shattered.
I will, look away.

The rain brings everything together.
Chemicals melt down my face
Unknown liquid substance soaks up my legs
Dilapidated decorum

Then there is snow.
Thunder and lightning and snow

Anything can happen

Moments of Small Scattered Joy That Are, In Fact, My Happiness

2008-01-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

I always get myself into completely absurd situations; an old habit of circling the fringes of expectation, elongating arousal through deliberate chaos.
My new sejour is no exception.
The past month I have gone through my whole repetoire of emotion.

I feel more alive than I have in years.

There is winter rain here.
It's warm, and leaves craters in the snow.

A mist has been hovering in the city.
Morning until night there is only a soft white blur: no sun, no buildings;
pieces emerge only bit by bit, swallowed again with passing.

I am a vaccuum terrorist

A Bright Past

2007-12-17T19:11:00.000-08:00

I wish you were still trapped by time, A happy decaying memory

What was
is now
will be
attenuated

So Far Quebec City

2007-12-08T16:31:00.001-08:00

L.D.

2007-10-21T20:15:00.001-07:00

"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends up by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance."
-Oscar Wilde

Little Monkey at The Side of the Road: Where Have You Been?

2007-09-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

ToDay.. I am stuck at home.

I could go on a long, tumultuous rant about my detest for mechanics
but instead, i will spend my energy plotting to kill them...

"So.. uh...", (insert ball scratching motion here), "u're (something)-belt is gonna go, u gotta a leaking gasket, blah blah, ur breaks are going, blah blah, ur (something)-water tank is leaking, blah blah.....".
This all continues until the climax, grand total estimation, of $2000 is announced.

C-girl Translation:
All of the above is silently destroying my car from the inside out. If left unchecked, this rot will, suddenly and mercilessly, make my car stop working; potentially killing me in a fatal car accident if only I am fortuitous enough to be caught in high traffic at the time.

C-girl's fantasy response:
"Are you out of your fucking trees?"
The heads of all the mechanics in the room suddenly implode, with tidy little *POOFS*, proceeded by the slow delicate trickle of their brains, running down their greasy chests, to the floor.

"Excuse me, but my car came in here working perfectly fine. I just wanted you to make sure all was fine and dandy for a road trip... u know: fill the fluids, wiggle the hoses, ect ect, and you're now trying to tell me that i need two grand worth of work??????!!!!!!!!*****"

Speechless Resolution.
OK.
I'm Done.

Why Cable TV Makes Me Wish I Could Perish in A Car Accident

2007-09-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

Inside a sphere
Inside a fold
Inside a crinkle

Lived a spark
Herald-hark
Express as air

Inside a sphere
Inside a fold
Inside a crinkle

Upshot a load
E-threshold
One sizzled hair

Inside a sphere
Inside a fold
Inside a crinkle

Came forth a blast
Iconoclast
Thank God: A spare

Axiom

2007-09-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

It does burn bi fold.

Intensity-actuality.

Naked incandescence.

Adulteration

2007-09-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

Here we are at the edge.
Step up
Step off
Jump over

Past the light is blindness
Jube-jube love
Crimson lie
Ashen lust

Im fucking tired of stagnation.
Putrid lives
Pointless drive
Impelled decadence

Meridian

2007-09-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

humidity
wet earth
evergreen

Elixir-perfume

Sun-heat
salutary breeze
amaranthine sky

Contented exhaustion.

Scintillating moment.

Concrete ubiety.

Adore-serene.

Will you come again?

Inopportune Independence

2007-09-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

Adamant, strong, rigid:
The Vacillator.

Vulnerable, exposed, denuded:
The Boy.

Artfully crafted,
Abominably crippled.

Power:

My Tormentor.
My Lover.
My Friend.

Disillusioned Enchantement

2007-09-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

So a day in time passed where i finally felt like some part of this definition of adulthood might apply to me.

On my birthday my mother says in passing:

"Don't be a pessimist." - Serious tone, concerned expression-

The dual translation shooting out of her head being that i shouldn't become a bitter hag (note: her pause to look at Power) especially not in front of the man I'm sleeping with.

I ignore the archaic nuances and reply:

"I am not a pessimist. I am a realist.
I don't want to submerge myself in escapism."

Enters thought:

~No, I simply want to complain incessantly about the people who do~

Lightbulb.

Action-Reaction

2007-08-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

Hi.
You ever have a moment where you know ur face is revealing what a dork you are.
You are not jaded, cool, and and emotionless.
You are not passionately subsided.
You are simply a reaction to an action;
an endless pool of waves;
a blank canvass filled in by the moment,
encompassing a web of associations;
moments of the past,
desires of the future.

Anyways,
So i am pretty much riding the wave.
Not going towards anything,
not moving away from anything.
And it's kind of nice, kind of boring,
kind of driving me nuts.

I like you, But I Don't Miss You When You're Gone

2007-07-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

Shield: scratched and tarnished by the indignities of foreign tongue.

Subsistence: warm outer layer, adamantine core.

Emaciated heat,

My erection cools.

The Buisness of Breathing

2007-06-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

There has to be a point to all this madness.
And if the point is the madness; that sparks and dies
And the spark is it
and the death is it
Then the moment is only good while it lasts
Because everything fades and is forgotten with time.

Scintilla

2007-06-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

Peachy colored wall, peeling paint.
Red earthy gravel, stained white door frame.
An open doorway, an impartial darkness.

This is where things end.
This is where things begin.

Finite moment, infinite impression.

SlavcoughWORK!

2007-05-30T22:43:00.001-07:00

*SINGS*

"Oh, i think i got a job that pays ok
Chained to a desk i'll work all day
Life and time will slip away
Oh, i got me a job and the pays ok."

Why am I so afraid of Silence?

2007-05-24T22:04:00.001-07:00

Dark room.
Grey Walls.
Stone door.

Sun glare.
Green fields.
Blue sky.

I would walk along that grey pavement forever.
I would raise my hands and feel the wind on every inch of my body.
I would thank the universe for this moment of existence.

In a dream, there would be nothing.
In a dream, there would be no clothing.
In a dream, there would be no language.

In my world there would only be bright colours
In my world the lions would grooms their paws
In my world the vultures would never land

I am a woman,
Thorned green vine exploring.

You are a stranger,
Smooth blue vine expanding.

The world will end and there will only be moments.
The world will end and there will only be grey.
The world will end and there will only be colour.

I see
I want
I feel.

Pessimism or Realism?

2007-05-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

The Poor to Middle Class Life:

30% Sleeping
45% Working
25% Addicted to one form of crutch or another; the delusion of pleasure; numbing of the mind who's screaming how retarded this system is.

Whatever the next life is, i want a hella bigger piece of pie towards sleeping, dammit.
I'm moving to Denmark- at least they know what's up.

Quiet Mind, Passive Soul?

2007-05-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

Sunshine, green, scent of renewed life: I'm happy.

I think this was the longest winter of my life.

Today i sat on the porch with some cereal and just watched the backyard.
We have squirrels in our trees and those little buggers are hella daredevils.
Bees, birds, mosquitoes; the yard is a busy place.

Cable lines overhead, streamlining through tree branches, connecting the houses to a common source; takes u out of nature's squishy embrace for just a moment... but then, "whatever, better than nothing".

Saturday: aka first time on a plane again in FOREVER!
Looking forward to airport buzz; the airport people, the airport smell...

Looking forward to the take off, the crappy pork-by-product containing snack, the landing.

Looking forward to some hard work, back breaking lifting, partying in an previously-unvisited town, and a luxuriously long road trip home.... where i get to be the passenger!

Could I ask for anything better out of a May long weekend?

Probably not.

Unless the unnamed stranger-by-time-friend had come to town.
That, mayhaps, could have been a bit more interesting.

Times too Sure to Tell

2007-05-14T01:13:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a gong show.

Strange what life becomes when u listen to ur little voice more often than not.

This is a different place.
Very neutral,
very fragile,
very new and yet somehow calm.

I feel like the elephant tip toeing around a mouse.

Our neighbour is interesting.
She noticed me taking Sativa for a walk and came out to talk to me.
I believe she has a mental impairment, but she seems nice enough.
Joss thinks it might be a intravenous user issue.
She has two cats and doesn't let them out because, as she informed me, the previous tenant of the house had had an outdoor cat that was shot by someone in the neighbourhood with a bb gun.
I assured her that Sativa was safe with me, and i definitely would not be letting her out by herself.

I miss Mr. T.
He broke up with his gf right before i moved out.
I feel guilty leaving him all alone.
I guess I'm worried about him, he's pretty sensitive.

Met someone interesting.
No idea if there's any potential for locomotion, but we'll see.

A Good Place To Be

2007-05-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

Katamari-like atmosphere.

My house, but i'm not the ruler.
Enormous Fishtanks, side by side, connected by downstream cascaded waterfalls.
Larger than life fish.
Baby fish.
Fish with too many eyes.

A room like an immense warehouse
Endless columns and rows of cages, stacked on top of each other
Filled with every age of every big cat in the world.
The babies have free range.

Keeper and caretaker
One of two, and the other is not found.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-04-29T22:18:00.001-07:00

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-04-29T21:38:00.001-07:00

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

Killing Me Softly

2007-04-28T01:46:00.000-07:00

Change sneaks in between breaths
Days mere moments in between dreams
Tomorrows a light hearted delusion of the young
Time concurs.

Possibly Maybe

2007-04-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

"your flirt finds me out
teases the crack in me
smittens me with hope

possibly maybe probably love

as much as i definitely enjoy solitude
i wouldn't mind perhaps
spending little time with you
sometimes
sometimes

possibly maybe probably love

uncertainly excites me
baby
who knows what's going to happen?
lottery or car crash
or you'll join a cult

possibly maybe probably love

mon petit vulcan
you're eruptions and disasters
i keep calm
admiring your lava
i keep calm

possibly maybe probably love

electric shocks?
i love them!
with you dozen a day
but after a while I wonder
where's that love you promised me?

possibly maybe probably love

how can you offer me love like that?
my heart's burned
how can you offer mer love like that?
i'm exhaused
leave me alone

possibly maybe probably love

since we broke up
i'm using lipstick again
i'll suck my tongue
as a remembrance of you"

-Possibly Maybe, Bjork

I Bite My Lip in Remembrance of You

2007-04-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Broken, broken.
Cracked through the center
Spun silk and ragged glass
There is, after-all, an ending

Sugar coated flesh
A dove lost and covered in ash
Impossible chords
There is, after-all, a beginning

The Pleasure Is All Mine

2007-04-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, i do plan on eating all of those frogs. So take a flying leap!

Dream Confirmation:
-moving home is NOT a good idea
-moving in with gf IS a good idea
-temporary to moving out of province

Mim said it would happen- didnt believe her until now.

And thine said on to me:
-write- or die
-paint- or die
-run- or.. well, you get the picture.

Wow.. so what else is there.
Oh ya, the other dream.
I really feel bad for her, but wish her the best.
When your best friends are a pack of sharks... there isnt much room to swim.
But CELEBRATE.
All is not lost, and there will be a happily ever after.

There's Something Deep Inside, that's telling you that love is so much more. This is just a man's world.

2007-04-23T00:28:00.000-07:00

I'm bum'ed.
And not cuz I've been sitting on my bum for so long.

*Deep Breath*

OK.. so a couple of weeks ago one of my fish got sick.
It was "mean-orange-silver-male".
He was always kind of a prick, always pushing the other fishies around.

but still... he didn't deserve the pain.
He got pop-eye... and little did i know this actually entails a fishes's eye popping out.
I medicated ardently to no avail... the eye was one day just.. gone.
Thereafter he was called "one-eye".

Seriously, though. It sucks.
And what can you??
I guess some people kill their fish when things like this happen.
But i couldn't, I'm ashamed, but i was too weak to kill him.
Mr. T wouldn't even kill him for me... he thought we should let the little guy die of natural causes.

So he swam around... disoriented and one-eyed for about a week.
He put up a good fight, and at one point I thought he would even prevail and adapt to the challenge of his new handicap.
But no..
Today he was really weak.. he was barely swimming at all.
And when i went to feed them... he was gone.

I know I'm a freak and it's a fish- but it was painful to flush him.
I'd been taking care of him for more than a year... and to terminate this relationship with the finality of a "ceremonious" flush... well that seems so crass.

Anyways....C'est la vie... et la vie efin, pour lui au meme, est fini.

RIP One-Eyed.

Chained to the desk, I Study

2007-04-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

I Study.

I eat a timbit.

I study.

I drink coffee.

I study.

I read blogs.

I study.

Wednesday is the end of it.

I study.

I am actually going to miss it.

Adrogyny: The Roles of Men and Women

2007-04-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

"MOST

societies promote instrumental traits in males and expressive traits in females; this has led some theorist to belive that gender roles are a part of the natural order of things; a product of our evolutionary history.

YET:
there is a huge difference accross cultures in what people expect of boys and girls.

Case Study: Three tribal societies of New Guinee, Mead (1935):

-Arapesh tribe:
BOTH males & females taught to be cooperative, nonaggresive, and sensitive to the needs of others. (typicall considered to be the "feminine" behavioural profile by Western cultures)

-Mundugumor tribe:
BOTH men and women taught to be assertive, aggressive, and emotionally unresponsive in interpersonal relationships (a "masculine" pattern of behaviour by Western standards)

-Tchambuli tribe:
Males--> taught to be passive, emotionally dependent, and socially sensitive
Females--> taught to be dominant, independent and assertive.

Members of these three tibes developed in accordance with gender roles that were SOCIALLY prescribed by their culture, NOT pre-programed through bioevolutionary history."

Are there advantages to being adrogynous?
(having the gender role-orientation which incorporates a large number of both masuline and feminine attributes)

Some theorists think so: Adrogenous Men & Women:

-tend to behave more flexibly than more traditionally gender-typed individuals. (Bem, 1975, 1978)
-seem to be more highly adaptable, able to adjust their behaviour to the demands of the situation at hand. (harter et al, 1998).
-adrogenous children & adolescense appear to enjoy high self-esteem and are perceived as more liable and better adjusted than their traditionally gender-typed peers. (Allgood-Merten & Stockard, 1991)

-adrogenous couples are more satisfied with their intimate relationships than traditionally gener-typed couples are (it was the feminine component of adrogyny that best predicted relationship

2007-04-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

When i adopted Sativa, i was in the middle of taking one of many Learning and Behaviour psychology classes. Needless to say, it was the perfect opportunity to put some of what was floating around in my head to good use. I tried a bunch of operant conditioning on her, shaping ect, and let me tell you, my professor was only partially right when he said that cats are impossible to train. I dont completely disagree, but with a lot of dilengent practice i was able to take her for walks as you would a dog. However, there is definitely a LOT more attitude to deal with than you would ever have to with das snouzer.

Now, everyone google "priming" and be afraid... be very afraid, as you are bombarded with advertisement daily on so many levels (dun dun dun). Anyways, my most favorite professor ever, Dr. Snyder, once put it elequently when he compared this quandary with Star Wars:
Some psychologist go over to the dark side, some stay on the light side: how will you use the force?

Clamorous Befallings

2007-04-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

A "turkish-man-from-another-land" once pointed out to me that i have the bad habit of interpreting things in a very "black-and-white" fashion. He was right.

Case and Point:
I've recently been looking into religion... well i suppose you could say I've been curious my whole life, but it is now more of an active investigation to acquire some actual in-depth knowledge. I can be told things, read things, hear other people voice their opinions, and come to believe that i have a pretty strong opinion on a matter; but the only thing that ever truly makes something stick and resonate, for me anyways, is a first hand experience with the issue.
It's more about the impressions that the people give me about how they treat each other and the rest of the world; this, more than anything else.

My Dad's family, well the generation before him anyways, are pretty hard core Catholic. I guess several of my grandpapa's siblings became priests and nuns. Highlights of my memories of Catholicism + catholic school involve:
-going to church as a class every Friday
-having my toe crushed under a kneeling bench with 20 kids standing on it and screaming out in a huge church, during a huge mass
-having to pray "Johnny apple seed-amen" before eating lunch
-making myself puke chocolate milk when my grandparents tried to force me to church
-and a general sense of being scared, judged for everything, and having to feel guilty all the time...

Recently, my mom went in to a little about how the sisters, my dad's aunties, had devoted their whole lives to helping people in Haiiti. This sort of clicked-on the fact that once again my black-and-white view had reared its ugly head: I can't trash talk that kind of altruism on any level...besides maybe seeing it from the stereotyped view of "missionarism" being about forcing, or bribing people into a religion through the offer of help. I've come to believe that for the sisters, and possibly for many people doing that kind of work, it is not a matter of coercion.
Still, catholisism is definitely not a religion that i have personally found any inspiration in.

I've looked into Buddhism for awhile, and as one of my chinese Buddhist-Christian co-workers once pointed out to me: Buddhism is more of a way of life than a religion. I am reading every Dali lama book i can get my hands on--> way too cool about how a lot of ancient Buddhist theories are comparable to modern day physic views on the world.

I had a brief encounter with the Mormon religion.
My girlfriend Red, and i would call her my most feminist girlfriend, began dating a Mormon man. (Interjection: it is bizar and was especially to see in her, but it's as if when we "fall" a segment of DNA starts to mass produce proteins that mess with our heads and turn us into goo-balls over men.)

To my shock, she began actively looking into this religion. She even bought one of their bibles which, at 60 bucks a book, is a serious purchase for a bible. A circle of Mormon women at the university seemed to pop up and embrace her, like all the pieces were falling in place. I was wary but supportive and kind of curious; I even eventually found myself being dragged to one of the weekly Mormon mixers. I brought my roommate at the time, Jy-bee, because there was no way i was going alone with Red to this gig.

So we get there, and of course me and Jy-bee had decided to have some green prior. (BIG MISTAKE). We're standing on the sidewalk, at the front entrance of the church, and Jy-bee's like;

"No, i cant do this. I cant go in."

I have to admit i was pretty intimidated to go in and be surrounded by a bunch of Mormons too, so to break the ice i yelled out;

" NO! No! Don't convert us!"

Luckily there was only one couple going in at the time and they gave us a strange look, but it was enough to shock Jy-bee into letting me and Red drag her in.
Basically it was like a high school dance for Mormon university students; supervised, awkward non-dancing clusters. Good times for all.

Things didn't work out between Red and the dude. When the group of girls realized that Red wasn't going to convert, even her close friend of the group, dropped her like a hot potato. The Mormon dude had to actually put off his 2 year mission to become "cleansed" because he had ended up confessing to his parents and priest about his and Reds make-out sessions.

Needless to say, that relgion was a big NOPE for me too. I'm not about to judge strange traditions.. whatever, cultures have those too, but to not associate with someone anymore because they chose not to follow your religion: way too hostile for me. Very strange religion...especially the whole bit about reaching different levels and being god of your own planet... i dunno.

So now I've started looking into "Christianity".
I have to say that honestly, that is comparable to saying I've begun to look into the Spanish-speaking-culture, and expecting that this will adequately incorporate the diversity of history, countries, dialects, customs, and mentalities of the people whom could be categorized under this label.

I've definitely been school'd so far, and had my w&b monster shot down on several points. It's a very very personal thing, and i know it's way more than just me looking at what other people are doing. When it comes down to it, I guess the biggest factor for me will be not to want to associate with an organized religious group that choses to promote intolerance and hate through judging the lifestyles of others; whether that be alternate religious choices or sexual preferences.. whatever.

Religious opinions DO have power and DO accumulate in the world. As a direct consequence these judgments cause the lives of many people to be miserable. That's not my scene, i already struggle enough on a daily basis with trying not to be a horrible person and not to hurt the people that are directly involved in my life, let alone on a world-wide-basis.

So i don't know where I'm going, but i have been inspired. I have seen that it's not that simple; a lot of my pre-conceived notions have been blown out of the water. It's been foreign--a lot like exploring another culture; there are words and concepts I'd never even heard of, open minded people living in authentic ways that i didnt even think existed there, and people just trying to make a difference in the world. I've had to redefine the concept of what "religion" means to me because it doesn't even fit the context so easily anymore. Anyways, it's wild.. and kind of exciting.

I'm still really stupid and learning a lot; it's good.
I'm not satisfied with the idea of a cycle of spending my life working to buy things, reproducing, and then maybe partying in my spare time.... that's not enough; it's not even close to being enough.

Originally I started with trying to work on my mind and my body: it makes me feel alive.
I came to realise that if i dont "exercise" my spirituality, that if i leave out doing this, in an active way too, then there's something missing in my life. So that's where I'm at.

Conversations With Other Women

2007-04-21T00:03:00.000-07:00

I hadn't slept in over 24 hours so i rented a movie.
This is the movie:

Adroit, it was really good.
Shot in split screen.
If you like ur clean cut point of view--> don't rent it.

I don't know what it is about Helen Bonham Carter, but i haven't seen anything that she's done that i haven't liked.
It's weird because she's not a character actor... she doesnt morph... but even while keeping a similar theme she's still unique; honest and compelling in every role.
Aaron Eckhart... definitely have more to think about him than i have before; i think i've only ever seen him in "tough" roles.. interesting to see him in such a vulnerable character.

The Perfect Cookie

2007-04-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm tired.

I used to work at a gourmet cookie shop.
I closed and at the end of the day we would usually have a lot of muffins left over.
I would end up bringing them home or giving them away.
As kind of a "company bonus", every shift we could have one free muffin or six free cookies;
Which do you think i picked?

Anyways, this one particular Friday i closed up shop, lugged the garbage to the shoot, and made my way outside with a big bag full of muffins and cookies.
I sat down on a bench near the bus stop, and was waiting for my friend to pick me up when i noticed a man across the street.

He was pretty rough looking; walking with kind of a limp, i assumed he was homeless.
I knew before knowing that he was going to come over to talk to me.
(This was a few years ago, before I stopped loving people and started being scared of them- i would often get approached by different kinds of people)
He sat down on the bench beside me.

"Do you have a smoke?" he asked.

"I don't smoke," i replied... (i might have told him out of habit that he shouldn't either, but i cant remember), "I do have muffins."

He didn't look impressed.

"Or cookies. They're reAlly good... Belgian chocolate."

This, he did respond to and i passed him a cookie.

"Where are you from?" I asked.

"Up north"

We chatted for a bit.
A Native man in about his forties, he was in bad shape; his hands were a a little contorted, his face had sores, and his eyes looked like they had permanently blown vessels.

When the conversation turned to his family there were silent tears.
He couldn't go back to see them; he was ashamed and he didn't want to hurt them anymore.
I didn't know what to do, so i just told him that they were his family: they loved him.
My friend drove up and i had to go.
I don't know if he ever went home.

Sometimes I think the perfect cookie could change the world;
something with sustenance; nourishing but still incredibly delicious.

Working at the shop for three years, I met a lot of people through the cookies.
People would often turn down a free muffin.
Nobody ever turned down a free cookie.

I Fear: That I Have Nothing To Give

2007-04-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

Does the mind ever habituate to wonder?

Maybe when your head finally explodes from the contemplation.

Existential psychology: ding ding ding!
Humanistic psychology: Oooooooouuuuu Aaaaahhhhhhhhh, happy people
Cognitive psychology... Barf
(The most high tech thing i can wrap my head around is how to program my parents TV to say "Corinne kicks ass" everytime they turn it on. Drives my brother nuts Wah ha ha)

I'm going nuts.
Anybody want to tell me what to do with my life in May?
Maybe I'll sell all my shit and train hop for awhile.
I'll have to act real crazy to keep away the crazies....most of the real crazies wont be found there anyhow; the real crazies are in suits.

Wanna hear something really sad in a trivial sort of way:

OK, so I don't indulge in anything green anymore, haven't for a long while because it's not good for me personally.
The majority of people i know do though, so sometimes i still get caught up in the mix of things.
Anyways, it was a long week of terribleness and i was in a really down mood but my friend was "in need" so i offered to help her out.

OK Judgmentals:
after a couple pharmacology and botany classes, all i have to say is that honestly, anyone who thinks the green is this evil force that is anywhere as close to being as bad for you and society as let's say... alcohol or cigarettes... well that's just delusional. But i digress.

Anyways, all i needed that day, in the whole wide world, was some human contact.
My roommate wont give me a hug on the basis that I'm a woman (whatever that means) so i couldn't ask him.
Otherwise I'm in a self-induced, studying my ass off, isolation-from-humanity-quarantine.

So the sad part of the story is:
The only person i could get to give me a hug that day was:
"the-friendly-neighbourhood-drug-dealer".
It's sad because we're not even that tight.

Doesn't Your Brain Explode?

2007-04-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

Collins: Why this scientist believes in God

"So, some have asked, doesn't your brain explode? Can you both pursue an understanding of how life works using the tools of genetics and molecular biology, and worship a creator God? Aren't evolution and faith in God incompatible? Can a scientist believe in miracles like the resurrection?"

Shoe Bandit

2007-04-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

It was snowing this morning.
The messy kind too;
thick, really wet and sticky-->just half-sludges off ur car as u try to clean it off.

Abnormal Psych Final Exam- Down
I finished and discovered that my car was boxed in by a Campus-50 cruiser, it's red and blue lights flashing.
(aka our university "peace officers"/pretend police.)

Somebody had flown off Saskatchewan Drive and gone down the rivervalley bank... not too far; a little red car was taking a load off on some trees.
Nobody hurt: typical dumb Edmontonian driving behaviour the first day of any time there's bad weather for the first time in awhile.
I've been told by many that we have the worst drivers in the country, and i believe it.

Thankfully i didnt have to wait too long for him to move, i was way too tired to deal with bugging him to let me out.

Going to sleep right away, and in 8 hours will get up to study for tomorrow's test.
Yay for bizar exam-sleeping habits.

On a leaving note:

I got a good kick in the wee hours this morning, while studying, outta the sexual variant topic of abnormal psychology: specifically paraphilias; more specifically diagnosable fetishes.

"Infamous" dude in Seattle has a crazy shoe fetishes.
Now, fetishes can be part of any normal person's lovemap...
it becomes a paraphilia when it's causing distress to the person or to others
(and i guess the criteria is soon changing to include, regardless of distress, a matter of a clinician's view point on whether it may cause harm to someone too) Anyways, i digress.

So the Seattle dude:
Has this bad habit of stealing shoes.
And he does this by going up to women, pushing them over, and grabbing... ONE of their shoes.
(yes, just one)
Dont be alarmed, his intentions weren't to harm the women... and incidentally i don't think any were hurt,
but he just HAD to have their shoes.

I guess when they finally caught up with him, he had like 179 single shoes stacked up in his apartment.
I know it's sad, but i couldn't help picturing him hovering over this treasure.. his mountain of shoes, and rubbing his hands together in a creepy Burns-style gesture, muttering, "excellent".

Yeah, i know, i'm a dork.
Ok, nite nite.

Animal Barn

2007-04-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

My body is being mean to me because I am being mean to my body.
My head hurts. Boo.
I'm eating soybeans and hoping they help.
I'm glad botany is over. Plants are interesting but there is wayyyyyyyy too much to know.
Do i remember if i learned anything about soybeans: no.
But limabeans have hydrocyanic acid in them. Go limabeans.
I like it when milk and juice get so cold they form ice. Drinking icy liquid makes me happy.
No, that is not why my head hurts.
I go nocturnal during exams; apparently this makes my head hurt.

Nap Dream:

In a barn.
The shutters are all closed because it's winter; light creeps in through all the cracks.

There are birds.
They are trying to find a way out and it troubles me because they are hungry; they need to get outside.

I'm on the second floor of the barn, which is more of just a pathway along the edges with the middle open to the floor below.

I pass birds who have fallen from exhaustion.
They're still alive and i want to find them worms.
I need to open the shutters first.

I get to the other room and now I'm scared to open the window; there are all sorts of birds here... some with big beaks; i know they're all going to rush at the window to get out.

I open it.
There's an invisible transformation.

Now, upstairs with me are baby gorillas and lion cubs.... i think there might be other animals too, but these are the focus.
I'm feeding them pieces of fruit.

The rest is mostly blurry, but at one point an adult lion is passing through...
with an armed escort.

There's a narrative voice in my head saying that i need to do anything not to accidentally engage eye contact because if i do, I'll most certainly be attacked.

The babies are cute, but still strong; i love them but acknowledge and respect the immature force just under the surface....
this guy is powerful and i wouldn't have a chance.

Oh Fabulous Rain

2007-04-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

This is a moment to remember.
I call it the first official spring rain!

(and maybe it's not, but i dont care, cuz it's the first one this year that i remember with no snow.)

IT'S BEAUTIFUL!:
the smell........
the sound.......
the sight........
the feeling......

I've very happy.
and this is not an easy thing to feel with an exam in 10 hours and a mindful of poisonous plant.
I'm Really happy.
I love the rain.

Very Bad Girl

2007-04-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

Madame Giulia Toffana.
Italian woman who creates Aqua Toffana in the 1600's.

Aqua Toffana:
a "potion" or tonic, usually sold in vials decorated with a picture of St. Nicholas.
Contains, among other things, arsenic and belladonna.

Madame Giulia:
apparently an extreme feminist before her time,
was sympathetic to the plight of women who virtually had no status in society.

The main purchasers of her tonic were bored or unhappy housewives.
Apparently she was so well liked, that when authorities first attempted to arrest her, she was protected and hidden by the townspeople.

Eventually she was executed, and held responsible for the death of more than 600 people (mostly husbands?).

OK, besides the shock about a woman-mass-murderer (because they are pretty rare)
it's fairly, morbidly interesting that THAT many other women were also knowingly willing to murder their husbands....

Good thing the world has become a bit more equal for women since then, or who knows what could have eventually become of all the men.

This Botany class is actually pretty interesting.... and i haven't written about ricin yet.... that stuff is just messed up.

Cyclopamine

2007-04-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

Cyclopamine: steroidal alkaloid.

Named after being discovered as the compound in wild corn lilies, that caused the offspring of sheep who had eaten it to have little cyclone-baby-sheep (aka cyclopia).

Its a teratogen (external agent that can harm a developing embryo/fetus) that messes with the "sonic hedgehog signalling pathway"
(yes, there is a protein named sonic hedgehog and i am such a geek that this makes me giggle as I'm a former Sega player)

Basically it turns "off" a signalling pathway, that leads to the transcription of certain genes, that needs to occur during normal development.

This pathway can also become messed up naturally, without cyclopamine, although rarely, and leads to holoprosencephaly; where the cerebral hemispheres of the brain fail to divide.

I was looking up pictures and i guess there was a case in India last year where a little baby was born with cyclopia. They think it might be due to the mother being exposed to cyclopamine.

Cyclopamine is being investigated for it's potential use in anti-cancer treatment. I guess the drug regulations in India are pretty lax and there's a low barrier of entry for human drug trials; meaning they smack advertisements on the back of buses singing the virtues of whatever drug and uninformed people routinely become guinea pigs.

As of the date of the article i stumbled upon, they still weren't sure how the mother had been exposed to the drug, but she had gotten some unknown treatments at a fertility clinic.

Exam Time

2007-04-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

List of things to Do:

1) Chew Nails
2) Eat M&M's
3) Clean Room.... ummm no... not enough time, that would take weeks.
4) Read blogs that could not have possibly been updated yet
5) Do Yoga to de-stress
6) Eat more M&Ms
7) Print various notes
8) Read more blogs
9) Pull out notes and learn

10) REPEAT!

I don't get test-anxiety.
I get study-anxiety.
And my desk and my space is perfect...
it's calm, it peaceful, it's not overflowing with stuff...
but i still don't want to go anywhere near it..

My name is Corinne, and I'm a procrastinator....

The Almost-Albino

2007-04-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

***Cue to me having a seizure because this thing is so fricken cute!!***

OK, but seriously:
I spent 15 minutes in an APRIL.... (yes april)...sun, and my arms are burnt, red and ouchy.

(may i remind you that i am in NORTHERN CANADA.. and no, this is not the type of sunburn you get from the glare off the snow.... the snow is gone.)

I have begun the switch over to the second official colour that i come in:
My summer colour: RED!!
The first color being: WHITE!!

Bugger.

At least i was born in the right place, because i don't think i would have survived in a tropical climate: the sun would have shriveled me up oh so long ago.

Besides all the lobster-complaining, it really was a beautiful day today and i did enjoy it.

K, bye.

A Prettier Shade of Grey

2007-04-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

I saw this clip on Raymi's Blog and i have to say this is a pretty good embodiment of a big part of what scares me about religion.

I know that all of that judgment and hate is not what, specifically Christianity, is about for a lot of people.
Unfortunately, for myself anyways, this is what has resonated in my mind for a long time and is what contributed to me originally being turning me off by all religion in general.

It's a bad reputation, that overshadows the people who are actually living fairly un-hypocritical, loving, and inspirational lives... with faith.
I've actually only met a couple people like this....but it was enough to undo my stereotyped perception and make me take a second look at the basis of my opinions.
I still don't know exactly where I'm at.... but it's something that has become important to me to actively think about anyways.

Ta-ta-Ma-Lee-Va

2007-04-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

In the event of a disaster;
tornado, fire, break-in, bird flu epidemic...the next ice age...
the one and only thing that i could not live without...
the thing that i would absolutely need to take with me,
and that i would go back for,
whatever the cost:

Is Sativa.

I know a lot of people who wouldn't understand that.
It's a mixture of love and responsibility

(and let me tell you it would honestly take me a LONG time to get over not being able to save my fish and if there was time and the means, they would be number two on my list. I wouldn't have to save my roommate because he'd already be outside, with a big sheepish grin)

anyways, it's more than that.
Having the privilege of taking care of an animal has given me so much;
it's a source of that rarely found thing: unconditional love
it's been humor, company, crazy energy spurts and tons of attitude.

We're not talking right now though.
Because she left safety of the backyard,
gave me five mini-freak-out-attacks,
and when i finally found her,
she was in the front near a busy street
three doors down,
on the neighbours porch.

Way too friendly to be an outdoor cat.

Community

2007-04-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

"No man is an island, entire of itself: every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

-John Donne (1624)

Relativity

2007-04-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

Been reading The Wait and The Wonder on and off for about a year now. (originally over at blogger as Falling down is also a gift.)
Not sure what paused and clicked; this is a very different world from my own.
Moreen has a beautiful way with words that translates her own experiences and those of her family.
Her oldest daughter, Annika (6), is now requiring her 3rd liver transplant and has recently developed some complications.
A moment of positive thought, energy, prayer....
whatever ur style...
sent their way...
Stranger things have happened when people come together over an idea....

Smack Down

2007-04-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, i cant stand it.
I miss my blog dammit.
I'm moving in with Joss in may.
Im still freaking out about finals.
Still studying my ass off
eating way too much sugar
reading too many other blogs
and obsessively groovin to K-os to de-stress.

The End.

K Bye

P.S did i mention i miss my blog.
New Start.

Grand Gestures of Focus Sometimes Take Form in Impulsive Measures

2007-04-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

I am taking an extended leave of absence from blogging.
Finals are coming up.
May is the other side of the known.
Big scary life changes a' commin.
So check ya later.
Peace and Love

~Corinne

COUDRELAFOUDRE

Denoument

Levity

Touch Down

The Longest Line

Frantic little things.

The little games

Ineffable Soldier

Undone By My Tongue

Sweeney Todd

Fuck You

Persepolis Trailer (HD)

Hate that is an Act in a Life of Satire and Hilarity

Motherfuckin Mini-Paris of America: At Least It's Not Outright Contempt

Bigger than Myself is Somtimes Hard to Bring into Focus

Moments of Small Scattered Joy That Are, In Fact, My Happiness

A Bright Past

So Far Quebec City

L.D.

Little Monkey at The Side of the Road: Where Have You Been?

Why Cable TV Makes Me Wish I Could Perish in A Car Accident

Axiom

Adulteration

Meridian

Inopportune Independence

Disillusioned Enchantement

Action-Reaction

I like you, But I Don't Miss You When You're Gone

The Buisness of Breathing

Scintilla

Slav*cough*WORK!

Why am I so afraid of Silence?

Pessimism or Realism?

Quiet Mind, Passive Soul?

Times too Sure to Tell

A Good Place To Be

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My Celebrity Look-alikes

Killing Me Softly

Possibly Maybe

I Bite My Lip in Remembrance of You

The Pleasure Is All Mine

There's Something Deep Inside, that's telling you that love is so much more. This is just a man's world.

Chained to the desk, I Study

Adrogyny: The Roles of Men and Women

Clamorous Befallings

Conversations With Other Women

The Perfect Cookie

I Fear: That I Have Nothing To Give

Doesn't Your Brain Explode?

Shoe Bandit

Animal Barn

Oh Fabulous Rain

Very Bad Girl

Cyclopamine

Exam Time

The Almost-Albino

A Prettier Shade of Grey

Ta-ta-Ma-Lee-Va

Community

Relativity

Smack Down

Grand Gestures of Focus Sometimes Take Form in Impulsive Measures

SlavcoughWORK!